And so ends the worst year of my life.
Since about August/September I've been waiting for today, well the end of today anyway. This year has been an emotional and physical rollercoaster ride and I really can't wait for it to end. Physically I'm still feeling the after effects of my treatment, sore shoulder, stiff neck, tender mouth and still can't taste properly. These will all improve in 2010.
Emotionally I'm much, much better. I'm really beginning to feel normal (only for a given value of normal of course :) ). This week I'm back to learning stuff and it's given me a real buzz. For the first time in ages I go to bed thinking about technology problems rather than personal problems and that can only be good.
I hope everybody has a great 2010, and a very healthy 2010. It can only get better!
Happy and Healthy New Year to all :)
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Follow Up
I had another follow up on Tuesday this week (two days ago from when I write this), and again it was all good. The doctor (same one I saw last time), was still amazed and pleased at how well I looked. Half jokingly he told me it must be in my genes. (I have a friend of a friend who was diagnosed with the same cancer as me three months before me and he's still struggling with the recovery, he still has mucous, still feels sick and is struggling to eat).
At the check-ups two things are done. The doctor stands behind me and feels both sides of my neck, looking for lumps I guess. Once he's done that he puts a camera up my nose which goes down into my throat, this is nothing like as bad as it sounds. I think this is for two reasons, to look at how my throat is healing (it's still pretty swollen), and to check for any abnormalities.
It was all clear (not that I expected anything else) and I have to go back again in January. They do the follow-ups every 4 weeks or so, not sure why they're so regular, maybe is an aggressive cancer or maybe it's because the healing process takes a while and they keep an eye on that.
At the check-ups two things are done. The doctor stands behind me and feels both sides of my neck, looking for lumps I guess. Once he's done that he puts a camera up my nose which goes down into my throat, this is nothing like as bad as it sounds. I think this is for two reasons, to look at how my throat is healing (it's still pretty swollen), and to check for any abnormalities.
It was all clear (not that I expected anything else) and I have to go back again in January. They do the follow-ups every 4 weeks or so, not sure why they're so regular, maybe is an aggressive cancer or maybe it's because the healing process takes a while and they keep an eye on that.
Friday, December 11, 2009
On Feeling Better
When you have a physical illness it's relatively easy to point at something and say 'that hurts less today' and also to understand why it hurts less, there's a physical healing process. With me, as well as feeling physically shot I've also been 'down.' I wouldn't go so far as to say depressed, it hasn't been that bad, but definitely not feeling myself. I don't think this is directly because I have been diagnosed with cancer, to be honest that's never really bothered me, I've always assumed I'd get over that. However with cancer the treatment is pretty brutal, I've described it before as medieval, slash and burn medicine. Slash out the tumor with surgery and burn away any remaining cells with radiotherapy and/or chemotherapy, none of this is very pleasant, but it will likely have a happy ending.
The issue with the treatment, at least for me, is the medium to long term effects, these are the things you have to live with for a while after the cancer has, hopefully, gone. For me this has been loss of appetite, loss of taste, stiff shoulder, stiff neck, dryness. You may look at this and think 'get over yourself, none of them is that big a deal' and you're probably right. But, when I look at these and think I may have to live with them for the next 10,20,30,40 years then it shines a different light on them, and I think that is what's been getting me down over the last three months.
This week things have changed, and I can't point at it and say why. I'm generally a happy, optimistic person, but I haven't been for the last few months, at least not as much as I normally would. But for some reason this week I feel a lot happier, a lot more like my old self. Maybe it's just a timing thing, as enough time goes by you body gets better and your mind sees that and starts to feel better. IANA psychologist so I'm in no position to say.
One thing may have contributed though, I'm starting to get my appetite back. I still can't taste much and I'm still dry but now I want to eat. This is a huge plus for me. I can't say what came first, appetite or feeling better, and I'm not convinced there's a link (correlation does not imply causation) but it's good to be feeling something like back to normal.
One other minor thing, the beard is coming back on my right cheek, not very thick yet but there's definitely something there. Another small victory.
The issue with the treatment, at least for me, is the medium to long term effects, these are the things you have to live with for a while after the cancer has, hopefully, gone. For me this has been loss of appetite, loss of taste, stiff shoulder, stiff neck, dryness. You may look at this and think 'get over yourself, none of them is that big a deal' and you're probably right. But, when I look at these and think I may have to live with them for the next 10,20,30,40 years then it shines a different light on them, and I think that is what's been getting me down over the last three months.
This week things have changed, and I can't point at it and say why. I'm generally a happy, optimistic person, but I haven't been for the last few months, at least not as much as I normally would. But for some reason this week I feel a lot happier, a lot more like my old self. Maybe it's just a timing thing, as enough time goes by you body gets better and your mind sees that and starts to feel better. IANA psychologist so I'm in no position to say.
One thing may have contributed though, I'm starting to get my appetite back. I still can't taste much and I'm still dry but now I want to eat. This is a huge plus for me. I can't say what came first, appetite or feeling better, and I'm not convinced there's a link (correlation does not imply causation) but it's good to be feeling something like back to normal.
One other minor thing, the beard is coming back on my right cheek, not very thick yet but there's definitely something there. Another small victory.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Appetite
The dietitian I spoke to also said that having my appetite suppressed is normal. Could take between three and six months to return to normal and with some people up to twelve months. Again fingers-crossed that this will be sooner rather than later.
PEG Removal
Spoke to a dietitian today; she hopes I can get my PEG removed on December 22nd. It's an outpatient job, they cut off all the 'taps' and simply yank the thing out. Unlike insertion where it's a full endoscopy, which was extremely unpleasant. Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Dexterity
Since the operation on my throat the motion of my right arm has become restricted. For example when I put on a coat or jacket I put my left arm in first which is not something I'd normally notice, except that now, when I put reach my right arm behind me to grab the coat it hurts like hell!
Similarly, stretching the arm to get to anything also hurts, holding the arm above my head hurts, so, basically, it hurts.
The other thing I realised today though, is that my writing has been affected. I don't write much with a pen, mostly my signature, and I had noticed recently that sometimes when writing my signature I found it much more difficult to control the pen. This has happened occasionally (usually when I'm hungover!) so I'd put this down to a normal state of affairs. However today I was taking notes in a meeting and I do have a problem. There's nothing major, simply a lack of complete pen control, I found writing certain letters difficult (my writing isn't great anyway).
Another side-effect to cope with.
The good news is that things got better with use so I don't think this is a long term issue
Similarly, stretching the arm to get to anything also hurts, holding the arm above my head hurts, so, basically, it hurts.
The other thing I realised today though, is that my writing has been affected. I don't write much with a pen, mostly my signature, and I had noticed recently that sometimes when writing my signature I found it much more difficult to control the pen. This has happened occasionally (usually when I'm hungover!) so I'd put this down to a normal state of affairs. However today I was taking notes in a meeting and I do have a problem. There's nothing major, simply a lack of complete pen control, I found writing certain letters difficult (my writing isn't great anyway).
Another side-effect to cope with.
The good news is that things got better with use so I don't think this is a long term issue
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